PAUL FELD
...being a parent was very personal and richly rewarding for me.
Taking Good Care Of Yourself When You Are A Parent Who Has CF
The GOAL Of Parenting For One CF Father–Winter 2003
BY PAUL FELD
Everyone should have goals for themselves that they are capable of reaching, and when you reach one of the goals, new ones should be created. Many people prioritize their goals. An example might be: “I’d like to own a home, with a swimming pool and a sunroom”. I would characterize that as three goals, with the first being ‘Home Ownership’, followed by one of the two other goals of equal importance.
Having cystic fibrosis and having goals is not a whole lot different from anyone else having goals, however this disease, like a few others, require a ‘specific’ priority be set when your goal list is created. The number one goal for any CF person, parent or child, should be to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. This includes, but is not limited to: taking your prescribed meds as directed; following any therapy regimen your physician has recommended; limiting your exposure to ‘bad bugs’ following some common sense rules, getting the rest you require, etc. This is not a selfish goal, but one that lasts a lifetime if there is to be a lifetime. No other ‘non-spiritual’ goal can take precedence.
That being said; I have had two other major goals in my life, and they have taken their turn at being a priority at different times. They include marriage and parenting. My wife, best friend, and life partner is my wife Kristi. She was Goal #2 for me before our marriage and during our first few years of marriage together. Then, I confess, she was bumped down to Goal #3 for a period of years, and has now been bumped back up to #2 for a reason I’ll explain soon. But from here on out, she needs to stay put right there. Again, my wife and best friend.
During the years of her ‘bump’ to #3, my daughter, Sarah and raising her became my #2 Goal. This occurred for two reasons. Sarah was adopted by my first wife and me, and, I was told I probably would not live to see my daughter through High School when we adopted her on her first birthday. When I heard those words, I was determined to beat the odds, and my goal for getting Sarah through High School stood until that goal was reached. The fact that Sarah was a stepchild of Kristi was the other reason that Sarah took precedence. I loved both of them dearly, but Sarah was my first and foremost responsibility, a promise I made to her and myself that she never heard until recently. I just had to be a parent first and a husband second. It wasn’t like I was choosing between the two, but because of the stepparent relationship, I was often in the middle of conflicting values. Had Sarah been ‘our’ child, either by birth or adoption, this would never have affected my priorities. So for years parenting was goal #2 and I worked very hard to see it through. Two summers ago that goal was reached, Sarah was off to college and on her own, and Kristi became Goal #2 again, never to be downgraded.
Please don’t misunderstand me on this. This was not years of struggle between family members, although we did have several interesting discussions at times. The point I’m trying to get across is that being a parent was very personal and richly rewarding for me. The last thing I wanted to see happen was an adopted child dealing with divorced parents, at the age of nine, wondering where in the world she was going to be living tomorrow. I made a commitment to raise her at adoption time, and by God I was going to follow through on that commitment. Kristi was a huge help in this area, allowing me to see and hear different discipline perspectives – some of which I agreed with, others that I didn’t. But it made our relationship stronger too, and once Sarah was off on her own, our togetherness grew once again.
Goal#1 has always remained Goal#1, and I could not have attained the other two without it. Of course I have other career and material goals, but they don’t come close to my Top 3, and are just plusses in my life if I attain them.
Paul, 45, lives with wife Kristi in Florissant, MO. He is a Director of USACFA. His email address is: pfeld@usacfa.org