LAURA TILLMAN
I wasn’t retiring because I wanted to retire. I was retiring because of CF.
Dealing with the Fears of Aging with CF
Reflections on Retirement–Summer 2002
BY LAURA TILLMAN
Retirement had always seemed like some vague, remote concept. I never intended to retire from my position as a school psychologist until I was at least 55, and even then, I figured I’d work way beyond that.
My responsibilities as a school psychologist in a well-to-do suburb of Detroit were numerous. My duties included evaluating children in order to determine whether they met the requirements for special services, scheduling, meeting, and consulting with staff and parents regarding students who were having problems, and report writing. I was assigned to work with infants, toddlers, preschoolers, autistic children, and also serviced two elementary schools or a middle school.
Evaluation of infants and toddlers was done in their homes. Preschoolers and school-age children were seen in their respective schools. When making home visits, I never knew what to expect and was surprised at some of the conditions I walked into. The words “Sit on wood” would echo in my mind! In working with the children, I was coughed on, sneezed on, drooled on, had my fingers sucked, and had to retrieve test items when they were popped into mouths. When working with youngsters, you can’t just say, “Excuse me.” and go off to wash your hands. Needless to say, my car was stocked with Purell®.
In the school setting, evaluations and meetings were held in small conference rooms, that usually had no windows. That meant being in the room with one other person or up to 10 or more people for a period of time that could range from one half hour to two or three...or more. I became a veritable breeding ground of unusual bacteria.
My days were hectic. I move slowly in the mornings, so I woke up early to get ready for work, took care of the dog, and had some breakfast with my husband prior to my hour (or longer, depending on the weather) commute to work. Meetings were most often held at the convenience of others, which often meant before or after the normal school hours.
And suddenly, my days became even more hectic as I was diagnosed with CF in 1995. I now had treatments to add to my schedule morning and night. That meant less time to do other activities after work, so weekends became busier with chores, errands, and social events. The opportunity to do something spontaneously or at the last minute was practically curtailed since treatments took top priority.
The first year-and-a-half after being diagnosed, I was bound and determined that CF was not going to change my life. So I continued with my same workload and social life, and stayed up as late as I wanted even though I was getting up earlier to do treatments. I even attempted working while doing IVs. I absolutely was running myself ragged. My exacerbations and need for IV antibiotics was averaging around every 12 weeks. Family, friends, and colleagues began urging me to work part-time, to go on medical disability, or to retire. Naturally, I listened to no one.
Needless to say, the demands of work and my busy life schedule took their toll. I would go to work no matter how rotten I felt only to be sent home by my director. I finally came to my senses and stayed home while on IVs, but that only caused more stress and worry. My work piled up while I was out. The other school psychologists would try to help out wherever and whenever possible, but no one else had the training to work with the infant, toddler, and preschool population. And I always felt guilty when anyone helped out, as I knew how busy everyone else was.
I finally decided to retire in June 2000, which was a few years prior to the age of 55. My main reason for doing so was that I didn’t want to become a burden at work and have people resent having to help me out. Of course, no one felt that way, but I didn’t think I was holding up my end as much as I should have. I spent that final school year convincing myself that I wanted to retire so that I could enjoy life, when in reality I was retiring due to CF. That reality hit home at the end of May, 2000 when I had to go on IVs yet again. I wasn’t retiring because I wanted to retire. I was retiring because of CF.
In the fall of 2000, I didn’t return to work. What a strange experience that was. But I decided I was going to relish the beautiful autumn days in Michigan. I started going for walks with my faithful 4-legged companion, Cooper. We started out slowly and gradually took longer and longer walks. I did errands during the weekdays when stores were practically empty and there was no traffic to speak of. I did activities with friends who didn’t work or were also retired. I was starting to think that maybe retirement wasn’t such a bad thing, and then…CF once again reared its ugly head. At the end of October I developed one of the worst exacerbations I’d ever had. After weeks of IVs I felt better, for one day. Finally, just a few weeks before Christmas, I was antibiotic-free.
The rest of that school year was difficult for me. Whenever I talked to or saw former colleagues, I always felt that I should still be a part of all that was happening at work. I felt left out and not part of the loop. I’d hear about things long after they occurred and thought that I was losing my connection to what had once been my life.
I realized that I had a new life to cultivate and to live. In order to do that, I increased my volunteer work with the Humane Society and the CFF. I was asked to be on the Board of Directors of our local CFF office. I was also asked to do an Internet research article column for this very newsletter. I became more active in a Michigan-based organization for CF, and am on the advisory board of yet another newsletter.
Cooper became ill in January 2001 and was given chemotherapy treatments for his cancer. He since has developed neurological difficulties from the chemo. He requires a lot of time and care, and fortunately, I have the time for him. Had I still been working, I’m sure that the stress of my schedule would have taken his life by now. I can actually just sit and pet him for as long as he wants because I have the time.
As for my own health, I have not required IV antibiotics for the last 19 months. I have been on oral antibiotics, but I can just stay home and rest. If I wake up and am having a “bad” day, I easily can cancel plans and even take a nap if necessary.
People often say that things happen for a reason. As much as I fought and resented the idea of retirement, I now see the benefit of it. My fears about being bored, not having enough money for clothes, theater, dance, and symphony tickets, and not being able to travel were unwarranted. I know that my health has improved tremendously for the sheer reason that I have time to care for myself, whether it means sleeping nine to ten hours a night, taking a nap during the day, just sitting around doing nothing in particular, or going to an exercise class. I also know that my retirement has extended Cooper’s life. I feel that I’m still helping others through my volunteer activities.
My life didn’t end; my world didn’t collapse when I retired. In fact, in some respects, my world has expanded. I can take pleasure in the beauty of my surroundings and in the company of my family and friends as I now have the time to appreciate it all.
Laura is 54. She and her husband Lew and their dog Cooper live in Northville, MI. She is a USACFA Director. Her email address is: ltillman@usacfa.org