CATHARINE MARTINET
Most spiritual and
psychological experts agree that grief and bereavement are healing processes that are part of a healthy mindset.
BY CATHARINE MARTINET
There are some kinds of phone calls and email messages that I will never get used to receiving. Sometimes I can tell when the call is about bad news just in the tone of the “hello” on the other end. I dread those calls, as well as the email messages, telling of yet another person gone from my life. In the community of people affected by CF, one can expect to experience an extraordinary amount of loss unless all friendships with other persons with CF (PWCF) are avoided. It isn’t unusual to hear of someone who dies while waiting for new lungs that never come. Even so, it is often a stunning experience to hear that one of my friends has died. Also, some people seem to approach that last breath again and again, only to rally and go on with life. This makes it easy to be lulled into a sense of security that the person will never cross that final line. Thus, it often is shocking when a person actually dies. There are other times when a person seems to be doing very well and then contracts a virulent bug or virus and then succumbs in a matter of days. In these ways, even though one might feel prepared, the death of a loved one is surprising.
As I write this entry for Spirit Medicine, three months have passed since the tragic events of September 11. There are stories in the news about how people are dealing with losing their loved ones, especially with the holiday season upon us. For many, the hardship of their particular loss is almost unbearable. Unfortunately, more than a few of us have lost friends or family members to CF this year as well. In some ways, our struggles are similar to those in the news reports. While holidays and special occasions may make the absence of someone more noticeable, grief is actually a day-to-day (or minute-to-minute) process. Responding to the death of her mother, Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote, “That absence is everywhere present.” It is hard to know how to go on with life when someone we care about is gone and almost everything is a reminder of his or her absence.
Most spiritual and psychological experts agree that grief and bereavement are healing processes that are part of a healthy mindset. That is why nearly all religious traditions have rituals for the process of mourning. One issue that is difficult for me is my inability to attend the funerals or memorial services for most of my friends, because they live too far away. In these situations, it helps to think of some other way to ritualize the mourning experience. I know that, like me, some of you light candles in tribute to other PWCF who have died. Some might even go to a house of worship at the same time the memorial service is being held. I recently started going to a local memorial park where there is a labyrinth up on a hill. A labyrinth is a path marked on the ground where one can walk in a prayerful or meditative fashion. As I walk around the labyrinth, I think of one of my friends who died, contemplating all the ways he or she touched my life. I ask to incorporate all of the best attributes of that person into my life, so that a part of him or her will go on within me.
As the general population ages, bereavement issues are receiving increased attention in print and on television. Overall, I view this as a positive development in light of our society’s past discomfort with the true depths of emotion that can accompany the grieving process. Although grief, like love, is a personal issue, books can offer some help and guidance when one is in the depths of sorrow over losing someone dear. To begin with, there are various symptoms that accompany one who is grieving. It is helpful to know what is considered to be normal grieving. Some of the normal signs of grief are:
Physical – hollowness in stomach; heart palpitations; restlessness; headaches; dizziness; exhaustion; dry mouth; insomnia
Emotional – numbness; relief; anxiety; anger; guilt and self-reproach; loneliness; helplessness; abandonment; ambivalence; loss of ability to feel pleasure; sadness
Psychological – confusion; inability to concentrate; idealization of the deceased; dreams or a sense of the presence of the deceased; search for meaning in life and death
Behavioral – impaired work performance; agitation; withdrawal; avoiding reminders of the deceased; seeking or carrying reminders of the deceased; angry outbursts
If these reactions occur over long periods of time, intensify or disrupt your daily life to the extent that you are uncomfortable, it is wise to seek help from a professional bereavement counselor. A hospice organization in your community should be able to provide information if you seek this kind of help.
Some people, myself included, are uncomfortable expressing the emotional aspects of mourning in public. Also, I prefer to adhere to my normal routine as much as possible. In such a situation it is essential to make sure time is set aside for private mourning. According to the author Sarah York, dodging this step brings the risk of complicating the grieving process. Complicated grief comes about when the normal mourning and bereavement processes are thwarted in some way. When chronic illness is involved, there is an added risk of complicated grief. Knowing this, it makes sense to reserve some private time for the purpose of mourning.
I often look to the arts for solace and companionship in my grief. The words, music and visual images of others serve as a catalyst for me to express my feelings and come to terms with loss. The creative expressions of other people also inspire me to articulate my own thoughts and help me heal. Sometimes I rent a movie that helps me sit with my own sorrow over losing someone about whom I care deeply. Other times, I just sit and listen to music. My choices range from beautiful sacred music like the Stabat Mater or Gorecki’s Symphony No. 3 all the way to something gritty, such as Lou Reed’s Magic and Loss. I know that some of you keep grief journals, where you can record your feelings as well as inspirational writings from other authors. I am sure there are as many ways of going about it as there are readers of CF Roundtable.
In the aftermath of the events of last September, many people stated the world would never be the same. In a more intimate sense, such is the case whenever we lose someone we love. There is no way to go back to normal life, for our lives are unalterably changed. Yet, there is one morning when you wake up and grief is not the first thing on your mind. It’s not that the person is forgotten, it’s just that the acute sorrow and anguish has turned into something else. It has become a thread that has woven the person into the tapestry of your heart, refusing to let him or her vanish without a trace.
Resources:
http://www.gracecathedral.org/: information about labyrinths and labyrinth locator service
A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis (Harper San Francisco, 1961)
As You Grieve: Consoling Words From Around the World, Aaron Zerah (Sorin Books, 2001)
The Courage to Grieve, Judy Tatelbaum (Harper & Row, 1982)
On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (Macmillan, 1969)
Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death, Sarah York (Jossey-Bass, 2000)
God Said, “Ha!”, Julia Sweeney, Director (1999 VHS)
Return to Me, Bonnie Hunt, Director (2000 VHS)
Truly, Madly, Deeply, Anthony Minghella, Director (1991 VHS)